Dear Mr. Wilson,

Please don’t take no offense, but the only one of you gun writers I really understand is that Richard Man. He writes so well, you’d think he was a hillbilly, only I just wish he wouldn’t put all those numbers in his stories. A while back, I went up to his place to run my ideas by him, but this wild woman come out with one of them Browning Hi-Powders and smooth run me off. So, then, I called that Brice Townesly fella to get his advice. Lordy, the stuff he told me to do just ain’t possible! I ain’t never even seen a hog do it!

Anyhow, that’s why I’m writing to you, although you ain’t quite as good as those guys. Howsomever, we just sold the hog farm and I am looking to get into another line of work. I figure it would be a good idea to be one of those Defense Shooting Instructors.

Just to let you know that I am serious about this new line of work, I have already shaved my head and am trying to grow one of them fierce mustaches. I ain’t getting no tattoos, tho, them things hurt! I’ve also got an order in to 5.11 for some of them pants with all the pockets, though they tell me it will be a while before they have any with a 52-inch waist. In the meantime, I am learning all the important secret terms, like “watch your 5”, CBQ, & DDT (or is it BVD? Whatever that General Cooper used to say).

I also called that Frank Browning fella and he sent me a catalog so I could order some stuff for my AR-15. I’ll just bet you didn’t know that, if you’re real careful, you can hook 83 different things up to that rifle at once. Dang!

Anywho, please take time to write me and tell me all you know about how to be a gunfighter and teach that defense stuff. If this don’t work out, my fall-back plan (another tactical term I’m working on) is to take all them hog hides we got and start making holsters. It shouldn’t take any time at all to make scalberts better than that Mike Baronti fella and that big ol’ boy at Simply Holsters. Hell, all you need is a sharp pocket knife and a needle & thread, right? Better than writin’, why don’t you just tell me where you live and I’ll come see ya.

Your friend (BVD!),
Clem “Cold Dead Fingers” Skidmore
Stomped Hog, Oklahoma