It has come to my attention that a lot of you folks still don’t know how to properly screw up a 1911. Therefore, as a service to my many friends in the shooting sports, I am offering this quick study that will allow you to get up to speed and properly cause impressive malfunctions and glorious jamming in John Browning’s old, out-of-date handgun.

BUY THE CHEAPEST 1911 YOU CAN FIND. Everyone knows that all 1911 pistols are just alike, so why give the Fat Cats all your money for one of their so-called quality pistols? Junk shops and yard sales are a good place to start looking. If you can find one made entirely from aluminum and discarded parts (I think it was manufactured in Lower Slobovia) jump on it!

BUY THE CHEAPEST MAGAZINES YOU CAN FIND. Just like the pistols, magazines are magazines. One of the best places to look for really cheap magazines is the trash bin at your local gun range. Some of them will be marked with an “X”; that is a clue!

BUY THE CHEAPEST AMMUNITION YOU CAN FIND. Are you seeing a trend here? Handloaded ammo from an unknown source is a good place to start. Get the stuff at your local gun show, or look for ads that read, “Bubba’s Amo Relowding Cumpany.” Hey, if a .45 hit to the little finger will knock a guy flat of his back, there’s no need to waste money on the expensive stuff.

DON’T CLEAN YOUR PISTOL. Hey, the gun made it all the way through World War II. And you can’t tell me that when those guys got some R&R behind the lines, they spent it cleaning guns. Besides, powder solvent stinks and gun oil is messy. It gets all over your keyboard when you are writing cool stuff on the gun forum.

LIMP-WRISTING IS THE “IN” TREND. Forget Point Shooting. Forget the Modern Technique of the Pistol. Limp-wristing is the truly modern way to go in this era of the Great American Sissy. Besides, a tight, firm grip makes the recoil smack our wittle hand and it hurts so bad!!!

JOIN THE STICK-ON CRAZE. You will have so much fun with this! You just get one of those big gun catalogs and buy anything that looks even remotely like it will attach to a 1911 pistol. Since all 1911’s are just alike, don’t buy into the BS that you need to have it fitted to your particular pistol. That’s just an ugly rumor that has been started by the greedy gun companies and gunsmiths. Okay, sometimes stuff just won’t quite go on the gun. That is so that you can get a hammer and a bastard file and enjoy the pleasure of doing real gunsmithing work.

There you have it! This is a guaranteed method to make sure that your 1911 malfunctions. And, when it does, think of the joy you will have in taking it to the local gun show and palming it off on some poor unsuspecting sap. Think of all he will learn from the experience. Sadly, he may never know who to thank for this education (I wouldn’t give him your real name, if I were you).

Good shooting (uh, I mean “Good Jamming”) to all!!!